Postpartum SUCKS!

After having spent many months working in the “baby industry” I obviously imagined I’d be the “perfect mother”.  It was going to be easy.  I seemed to know as much as,  if not more than the average person regarding child rearing.  After all, working from home had afforded me the luxury of time to read every pregnancy book ever printed. If I ever truly counted, I think I read close to 30 books.  In addition, since I was already in the business, I knew about every fun and unique product and I was aware of every mommy/baby program in the city.  I was probably the happiest pregnant person I had ever met.  I adored every minute and kept a daily journal on my (and my baby’s) every move. I didn’t mind the weight gain and to be honest, I had never felt better.  Full of energy. Full of life.  I counted the days (literally) until my baby girl’s arrival.

Delivery was as smooth as can be and I was gifted with the most spectacular and healthy baby girl.  A few hours after she was born, I was already feeling great and I secretly wondered why everyone made having a baby out to be so tough.  We left the hospital the next day and life was fantastic.  New Year’s day (my daughter was 2 days old) my husband and I took the baby to her cousin’s first birthday.  Everyone was shocked to see us.  I was the proud new mom and I was thrilled that I could be out so soon. I was sure that this new baby was going to become my best buddy and my perfect accessory.  She’d accompany me everywhere.

I guess by day 7 or 8 the epidural wore off and suddenly my life took a turn for the worse.  I was totally overwhelmed.  While I thought the baby was nursing beautifully, her pediatrician kept complaining about her weight loss.  By day 10 I hadn’t had more than 1 hour of sleep combined.  I felt fat.  I was irritable.  This beautiful baby doll was becoming more of a nuisance than a pleasure.  I had no interest in seeing visitors. I wanted no one to enter the house.  I lost interest in photographing her every breath.  I was MISERABLE…Sad to admit, day after day, it just got worse.  Lucky for me, it was the dead of winter, and I sort of had an “excuse” for staying in…. Friends tried to help me.  Everyone was so supportive: calling, cooking, sending gifts, flowers, cards, prepared foods from Pusaterris  and Whole Foods.. . I hated everyone.  What a disaster.  My dream of a baby doll was turning into my worst nightmare.

I knew all about Post Partum Depression.  I had read Brooke Shields book…. when I was about 5 months pregnant.  While I knew all the signs, I was in complete denial that this could be happening to me.  Remember, I knew everything… I had read every book…

I guess all the readings in the world wouldn’t have helped me… I was depressed in such a way that my thoughts were inexcusable.  Postpartum sucked and I was not impressed with the new baby bit either...  (to be continued)