Let's just say it hasn't been a very good summer. It's been raining. Lots of rain. So much rain that you might think the air would be free from that sticky and disgusting humidity. This is not the case. The days have been so thick that I haven't had a blow out since early June. My hair has been a wreck and hasn't been out of a bun in 6 weeks. First world problems, I know.
And my husband has been away the past 6 weekends. The first weekend I was away with him and that was lovely. We spent the most dreamy night in Niagra on the lake. It was heaven.
The 2nd weekend he took our daughter away on a special trip to Montreal. They had a blast visiting his candy factory, hanging out at the hot tub, and dining on fondue. I spent those few days with my loving, yet exhausting four year old son.
The following weekend my dad was invited to go on a "business" trip with my DH. Together they drove out to wine country and enjoyed what looked to be a perfect weekend. Wine tours, wine tastings, wine pairings. What could be bad. Brick oven pizzas and sweet homemade desserts. I spent that weekend home with the kids.
As per usual, the next weekend, DH left on his annual canoe trip with his old camp buddies. Months before they plan and plan. What route to take. What menu to serve. I laugh when i hear the list of foods they'll drag on their backs. From Serrano ham to lamb chops, this never reminds me of the canoe trips I used to take. Hot dogs and baked beans seemed more familiar. The kids and i played on.
This week, his weekend started on Thursday morning. He raced to the airport to catch a private plane. Fishing trip. Business. I call it a BOONDOGGLE?! Not sure why fancy fishing trips have now replaced the boardroom business meetings and golf games of yesteryear.
I knew he was safely on his jet, because he sent me two or three texts with JET selfies. Do we call them Jelfies? I'm not sure. I've never flown on a private plane. I also knew he arrived across the country. He posted this on Facebook. Glad i was able to follow along.
Then came the pictures of the red and white checker table cloth complete with lobster dinner. The molten lava cake with the hurricane candle beside it. The shots from the canoe. The pictures of the canoe. The water. The coffee press and the perfectly perfect coffee cups. There was a photo of bean soup. And vegetarian pizza. I'm pretty sure it was spinach and feta. There were other random selfies. From the boat. Or the deck. Or the veranda.
I was happy he was enjoying himself, but i couldn't help but be jealous. Maybe even sad. My sitter had decided to go to France for the month, leaving me alone with the kids. I adore them, but everyone needs a break sometimes. Or a swimming pool. Or a summer house. And to add insult to injury, somewhere along the line I caught a stomach virus.
Life back in my hometown seemed to be going swimmingly. My nephew was getting cuter by the day. Cousins were coming in to visit. Garage sales. Birthday parties. Lots of togetherness, and i was feeling more alone. By the minute.
World news has been pretty chilling this week too. What with the Malaysian air flight going down and all. For some reason, I can't get enough of this story. The horror. The terror. I pray the passengers didn't suffer.
Closer to home a local 7 year old girl was run down very close to my home. By mistake I drove by the memorial last night. With the kids. Tons of flowers and stuffies lined the road. I could barely look. Put things in perspective. That's for sure.
Last night, as my kids were wired and awake well past 11pm, I found myself feeling low. Not so low, that i couldn't tend to them, but the low that makes me nervous. The low that wants to listen to sad music and read books non stop. The low that wants to stay home and hide.
Checking my usual favourite social media sites just seemed to make it worse last night. I felt more lonely. More out of touch. More forgotten. Once again, that gross feeling of seeing your friends out and enjoying in pictures. Not sure why some people feel the need to rub their perfect lives in your face. Especially when i'm not included in the merriment. Total shock to the heart.
I cried a lot and then fell asleep. Both my kids and my iPhone by my side.
I woke up, checked my Instagram. This morning I focused on the beauty and the love, and then found my son wanted to make guacamole, french fries and omelettes. Within 1/2 of an hour, he had created all three dishes. Each one was divine.
Suddenly, I wasn't so weepy anymore. I am totally okay being the one at home with my babies. In true reality, there's no place i'd rather be. xo
Sunday 20 July 2014
skating in July
We all have to manage our own realities, right? Reality...what a concept. To be honest, I'm not a fan. After all, life throws a lot of crap at us, doesn't it? Each day there are little things I do to make myself feel calm. Centred. At peace. Somedays my strategies work and other days i'm out of luck.
Don't laugh, but I find that checking my Instagram account relaxes me. Facebook too. Much to my husband's chagrin, it's the first thing I do in the morning. I check my phone before i even check on my children. Why? Because I enjoy looking at pictures of food, fun and flowers. For me, those silly sites show me the Beautiful in everyday activities. A well prepared breakfast. A sweet new baby. A unique halloween costume. When i'm not well, watching the world online helps me feel connected. Helps me feel alive. I'm aware that social media can be a huge time waster. For me, it's actually a huge life saver.
Recently, I learned that drinking coffee also helps me deal with life. It doesn't even have to be the caffeinated stuff. Or the pricey stuff. It's just the delicious ritual of sipping an iced Americano that seems to make me whole again. Each and every morning. Even when it's chilly outside. On days where i feel less than perfect, I'll switch to a chai latte. Warm.
The need to reapply lip gloss every 5 to 10 minutes is something that might drive the average female crazy. Doing so actually helps me to keep from going crazy. I apply lipgloss non-stop. No matter where I am. After dinner. When i'm going to bed. While I'm talking to a friend. Not sure if it's a habit or obsession. Perchance an addiction? I can't handle the feeling of my lips getting dry. Not even for a second. To avoid this sensation, all of my bags and pockets are filled with different coloured tubes. I don't discriminate. I like organic, shiny lip, fruity, or plain glosses. Expensive or store brand doesn't much matter. I guess i like to keep my lips supple. No other real explanation. Sorry if it bugs you.
Obsessive planning also helps me keep sane. Or almost sane. Since my mind only seems to allow me 9-10 good months per year, I live in constant fear of not finishing things. I also fear the time when I'm not able to purchase stuff. While the tasks or the items may not be vital, i know my life would be incomplete without them.
When i'm well, I constantly worry about having all birthday, housewarming, and new baby gifts purchased and ready to go. Seriously, I buy gifts months ahead of time. I keep them wrapped and stored in gift drawers. Currently I have hundreds of dollars worth of perfectly packaged presents in my home. Candles, toys, art sets, and gift cards. Before my son was born, his room was the "gift room". People made fun of me, but i miss that room. This need to keep a house full of perfectly planned pressies comes from the fact that during certain months, I can't leave the house. Yes, I actually don't leave the house. But only usually for a month or two. Don't worry. Often this low period comes around the beginning of the school year. And seriously, nothing i would hate more than for my little ones to have to attend a birthday party sans present.
Since I now know that post summer can be a bit trying for me, I also plan my kids' schedules way in advance. It's July 20th and they're both already booked for swimming lessons. And skating. And skiing too. I'm sure the people who run these said programs must think i'm the most keen mom around. Guess this is why we shouldn't judge. I book these programs now, because if i don't, the worry about arranging them in the fall could bring me to the ground. That feeling of not knowing how to figure out what to plan a week is awful for me. Sometimes even just getting one activity booked is helpful as it give me a foundation.
As i get worse, the feeling gets more insufferable. Everything is a struggle, including figuring out how to feed the children. During the majority of the year, I live to cook. I love to create gorgeous and healthy meals for my friends and family. This all changes as my mood drops. When things are getting particularly sad, but not yet quite horrific, you may find me wandering the aisles of the most local grocery store. Try not to stare, as I'll be the unshowered girl wandering the produce aisle. My hair will be a mess and my weight might have fluctuated. I can bet that i'll be in some sort of coat and black leggings. I may appear to be lost, but please don't stop to chat. I won't be ready for that. The idea of speaking to you will make me cry. You don't want that, now do you? So carry on.
Those shiny aisles filled with my favourite organic apples, leaks and cauliflower suddenly start to mock me. At that moment, planning for dinner is something akin to climbing Mount McKinley. No training in the world can prepare me for those days.
Fortunately, i have friends who are well aware of my condition. They'll pick me up at home. Walk me through those mean aisles. One dear love will literally plan my dinners. She'll push my grocery cart and let me trail along like I'm her 4 year old daughter. She asks if I have milk. And eggs. And bread. She'll pick up the tortilla wraps. And the chicken. Calmly she'll explain to me again and again, how I should prepare my tacos later that evening. When I get home, I never can remember what she has said, but at least the fridge is full. For friends like her, I'm forever grateful.
Run. Spin. Breathe. Drink coffee & water. Apply lib gloss. Have a cookie too. Do what you must to keep the crazy at bay. Namaste. xo
Don't laugh, but I find that checking my Instagram account relaxes me. Facebook too. Much to my husband's chagrin, it's the first thing I do in the morning. I check my phone before i even check on my children. Why? Because I enjoy looking at pictures of food, fun and flowers. For me, those silly sites show me the Beautiful in everyday activities. A well prepared breakfast. A sweet new baby. A unique halloween costume. When i'm not well, watching the world online helps me feel connected. Helps me feel alive. I'm aware that social media can be a huge time waster. For me, it's actually a huge life saver.
Recently, I learned that drinking coffee also helps me deal with life. It doesn't even have to be the caffeinated stuff. Or the pricey stuff. It's just the delicious ritual of sipping an iced Americano that seems to make me whole again. Each and every morning. Even when it's chilly outside. On days where i feel less than perfect, I'll switch to a chai latte. Warm.
The need to reapply lip gloss every 5 to 10 minutes is something that might drive the average female crazy. Doing so actually helps me to keep from going crazy. I apply lipgloss non-stop. No matter where I am. After dinner. When i'm going to bed. While I'm talking to a friend. Not sure if it's a habit or obsession. Perchance an addiction? I can't handle the feeling of my lips getting dry. Not even for a second. To avoid this sensation, all of my bags and pockets are filled with different coloured tubes. I don't discriminate. I like organic, shiny lip, fruity, or plain glosses. Expensive or store brand doesn't much matter. I guess i like to keep my lips supple. No other real explanation. Sorry if it bugs you.
Obsessive planning also helps me keep sane. Or almost sane. Since my mind only seems to allow me 9-10 good months per year, I live in constant fear of not finishing things. I also fear the time when I'm not able to purchase stuff. While the tasks or the items may not be vital, i know my life would be incomplete without them.
When i'm well, I constantly worry about having all birthday, housewarming, and new baby gifts purchased and ready to go. Seriously, I buy gifts months ahead of time. I keep them wrapped and stored in gift drawers. Currently I have hundreds of dollars worth of perfectly packaged presents in my home. Candles, toys, art sets, and gift cards. Before my son was born, his room was the "gift room". People made fun of me, but i miss that room. This need to keep a house full of perfectly planned pressies comes from the fact that during certain months, I can't leave the house. Yes, I actually don't leave the house. But only usually for a month or two. Don't worry. Often this low period comes around the beginning of the school year. And seriously, nothing i would hate more than for my little ones to have to attend a birthday party sans present.
Since I now know that post summer can be a bit trying for me, I also plan my kids' schedules way in advance. It's July 20th and they're both already booked for swimming lessons. And skating. And skiing too. I'm sure the people who run these said programs must think i'm the most keen mom around. Guess this is why we shouldn't judge. I book these programs now, because if i don't, the worry about arranging them in the fall could bring me to the ground. That feeling of not knowing how to figure out what to plan a week is awful for me. Sometimes even just getting one activity booked is helpful as it give me a foundation.
As i get worse, the feeling gets more insufferable. Everything is a struggle, including figuring out how to feed the children. During the majority of the year, I live to cook. I love to create gorgeous and healthy meals for my friends and family. This all changes as my mood drops. When things are getting particularly sad, but not yet quite horrific, you may find me wandering the aisles of the most local grocery store. Try not to stare, as I'll be the unshowered girl wandering the produce aisle. My hair will be a mess and my weight might have fluctuated. I can bet that i'll be in some sort of coat and black leggings. I may appear to be lost, but please don't stop to chat. I won't be ready for that. The idea of speaking to you will make me cry. You don't want that, now do you? So carry on.
Those shiny aisles filled with my favourite organic apples, leaks and cauliflower suddenly start to mock me. At that moment, planning for dinner is something akin to climbing Mount McKinley. No training in the world can prepare me for those days.
Fortunately, i have friends who are well aware of my condition. They'll pick me up at home. Walk me through those mean aisles. One dear love will literally plan my dinners. She'll push my grocery cart and let me trail along like I'm her 4 year old daughter. She asks if I have milk. And eggs. And bread. She'll pick up the tortilla wraps. And the chicken. Calmly she'll explain to me again and again, how I should prepare my tacos later that evening. When I get home, I never can remember what she has said, but at least the fridge is full. For friends like her, I'm forever grateful.
Run. Spin. Breathe. Drink coffee & water. Apply lib gloss. Have a cookie too. Do what you must to keep the crazy at bay. Namaste. xo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)