and tonight i feel sadness...

Everything was going swimmingly.  The sun was finally shining, our flowers were growing, and we even had tomatoes ripening on the vines.  My kids had finally finished what could only be described as a harrowing 10 months.  Their report cards were stellar.  And not just stellar, they were outrageous.  Basically that teacher who had tortured me all year was now extolling the greatness of my genius son.  "He is a scientist who puts together facts like no other student".  His fondness for learning would make any educator smile, she went on to say.  Truth be told, reading her kind words made me feel a bit guilty.

But today is another day.  My kids are exhausted and wild due to excessive programming at summer camp.  My husband is away on yet another business trip, his second in 7 days.  When i called my mother for the 3 time this evening, i realized that the reason she couldn't hear her phone because her home was filled with revellers celebrating my little sister's birthday.  Seems that the whole extended family was together enjoying and here i'm stuck.  Not that i feel bad for myself (ok, so maybe a little), but i just feel disappointed.  Dissapointed that my phone rarely rings.  Disappointed that I seem to be the perpetual party planner.  Sad that so few people seem to want to reciprocate my dinner invites.  Sad that i have to board a plane to be in my proper home.

But life isn't really so bad.  So celebrate the sweetness.  Namaste

what makes you happy?

By the time the doll baby turned three, they were actually ready for a second child.  Lucky for fertile myrtle, they fell pregnant on the first chilly day in February.  This event wasn’t as sweet as the last.  She was neausis and feeling unwell for three months.  Sadly this didn’t keep the pounds at bay.  Her belly ballooned way too quickly for her liking.  But life stayed happy until about month 7.  This is when that scary reality set in.  Another child.  Another mouth.  More running shoes.  More diapers.  More early morning wake up calls.  Worst of all was the notion that flying to NYC wouldn’t be as easy.  After all, baby girl was the perfect travel accessory.  Not only was she a dream to travel with, she even knew when to take off her little sparkly shoes at security.  How would she ever handle a second kid on that one-hour flight?

Meds were needed to stop the pain.  She was too scared and too angry.  Poor baby bean didn’t have a chance and it was disgraceful.  A fantastic team of doctors came up with a plan.  Baby boy would be born on December 3 and closely monitored by the nurses in the evening.   Breast-feeding would not be expected and mom to be would get at least 7 hours of rest a night.  Labor came and went without the needed epidural.  At the end of the fire, the most brilliant and handsome child graced this world.  His name was to be Javier.  Blue eyes sparkled and his face was intense.  He would be her perfect partner.  The perfect brother to their already darling little 4 year old. 

And so it was written.  He lifted her spirits better than any drug could ever do.  She took to him right away and he was supremely smitten from the beginning.  It was a match made for sure.

Life went on.  Too quickly one might note.  Boy was growing in leaps and bounds and walking by age 9 months.  People were amazed.  Now there were two perfect children walking on this earth.  The two children were hers and life was definitely blessed.  She was in heaven and no one could deny.  The boy was charismatic, funny and charming.  He had so much mommy in him that he was more like a 20 year old than a 20 month old.

He enjoyed playing, running, jumping, cooking, eating… He was from another world.  The home was happy.  Bustling.  Smiles everywhere.  Singing all day and night.  Everyone slept well past 9am.

The weight still carried on.  By now there were about 60 pounds to shed.  It was tougher than before.  She was 5 years older and the pounds were very comfortable where they were.  They were stubborn.  One might even say obstinate.

Back to that Weight Watchers meeting to learn about how to eat.  Don’t eat too much bread.  Stay away from cheese and pizza.  Clearly she could write the book, she just couldn’t seem to follow the directions.  How could she help that she wanted to eat at 2am.  Why was it that dim sum and cheese were still favorites.  Was pizza not really healthy? There was cheese for calcium and pepperoni for protein, no?

So the war waged on and it seemed that she wasn’t winning yet.  The smiles at home were only turned up when the kids were involved.  Otherwise, there was unrest.  When are you going to get back to your pre-baby weight he seemed to plea.  Aren’t you happier skinnier?! Clearly, she wasn’t happy, but was it really the pounds that were making her upset?

Life was easier behind her MAC computer.  When she was typing online no one knew her.  With that shiny screen in front of her, she still looked 25.  Slim and fit, no one truly knows you online and that was just perfect for her. 

In her head she whispered: Run, run, run from your pain.  You may hide it if you stand in the rain.  I’m not thinking rational.  This kind of thinking is fashionable.  Don’t want to walk away, but it’s not safe to stay.  That was the truth.  It wasn’t safe to stay.  But where did she have to go?

Then again, there were the babies.  Mother of two.  That was her new title.  It was both the best and hardest job she ever had.  Thankfully she was great at it.  Cooked, cleaned and entertained those kids.  A lot.  Sure, some mornings she lamented the fact that they had to eat yet again, but then she’d pull it together.  Off to the market for the organics.  Milk, cheese, and fresh produce.  Only her little ones snacked on avocado right from the shell.  These kids were healthy.  These kids were happy.  They weren’t trying to run from the rain.  They were jumping.  Right in.  And they weren’t even wearing their rain boots.

I’m not thinking rational.  And so it went.  Another day.  Another year.  Another letter.  Another ex.  Live in the present.  Forget about the past.  How can you ever forget when today is just so darn ugly?  Hmmmm. 

But the music kept playing.  Everyday.  Mostly in her head.  Sometime from the iphone.  Running from the life that she had.   Went down to the ocean to meet the candy man…with all the answers to her problems in his hand.  She doesn’t want to change her ways.  Ever.  Why should she?   Only happy when she’s high??  It certainly was starting to feel that way.