i used to be hot. Like really hot. Like the sort of hot who wore low rise jeans and exposed skin. Stomach skin. I must have pissed off other girls. I was 5 ft 9 and under 130 pounds. Clothes worked for me.
Then I had kids. Two perfectly, amazing, gorgeous, loving, and hot sucking kids. They're my world, but even they talk about it. Sometimes they jest. Mommy, you are the coziest. Mama, you have the squishiest tummy. Mom, you're belly reminds me of a soft pillow. Or a marshmallow. Mommy, the home you built us was a mansion. With a pool!!
All of these words are said with love. And adoration. But i hate them. Sometimes I resent them. Both the words and these said kids. Why should i be so bothered. I'm married. Basically healthy. Nearly forty. Life is good. Why should hot be an issue? Why do i even care?
I'm not actually sure. It's not like i'm looking for any extra male attention. Okay, so fine. Maybe i am. But it's not like they know i was hotter before. Well, I was. Sometimes i wish i could wear a sign on my shirt stating, "i used to be hot. I used to be skinny. These extra pounds are temporary. I swear'. But i can't seem to find a shirt that fits all that text. Maybe i should shrink the font.
Or better yet, just shrink me? But it's hard. Because i love carbohydrates And i cherish gluten. I'd hurt a small dog for a piece of good cheese or chocolate. Hey, don't think i'm a huge pig. I do like vegetables and fruits. Not a big fan of protein, but i do like tofu. I live to grocery shop and cook meals for my friends and family.
I don't know, it just never was an issue. If i felt like dim sum, I'd eat dim sum. Same went for pizza. And bagels. And pizza bagels.
Nowadays, I have to literally think about every morsel i ingest. How much fat, carbs, sodium. I mean, please. Is life without bread truly worth living??
So yesterday, a dermatologist told me to try to get off gluten. She said it might help my skin. Then she directed me to some fancy GLUTEN FREE shop. OY.
Together with a skinny friend, I went into this silly store. Impressed was I that they seemed to carry normal products sans gluten. Cereals, cookies, and cakes. All still with calories, but none of this gluten garbage. Was gluten even a word like 10 years ago??
Anyway, the owner of the store was a witch. I'm pretty sure she didn't think we could afford her $14 bread crumbs. (who could?!!?) Probably she didn't notice our sparkly engagement rings or my friend's Hermes purse. We sampled and shopped. Rang up an $80 bill for veggie mayonnaise, cookies, carrot cake and MUNG bean pasta? I mean seriously guys. We're talking about spaghetti. Who am I to insult the italians by buying this crap? But i did it. And i threw in a box of the silly gluten free bread crumbs too. You know for the chicken parmesan..
Vanity be thy name and i need to be hot by 40. (countdown has started)
