We all have to manage our own realities, right? Reality...what a concept. To be honest, I'm not a fan. After all, life throws a lot of crap at us, doesn't it? Each day there are little things I do to make myself feel calm. Centred. At peace. Somedays my strategies work and other days i'm out of luck.
Don't laugh, but I find that checking my Instagram account relaxes me. Facebook too. Much to my husband's chagrin, it's the first thing I do in the morning. I check my phone before i even check on my children. Why? Because I enjoy looking at pictures of food, fun and flowers. For me, those silly sites show me the Beautiful in everyday activities. A well prepared breakfast. A sweet new baby. A unique halloween costume. When i'm not well, watching the world online helps me feel connected. Helps me feel alive. I'm aware that social media can be a huge time waster. For me, it's actually a huge life saver.
Recently, I learned that drinking coffee also helps me deal with life. It doesn't even have to be the caffeinated stuff. Or the pricey stuff. It's just the delicious ritual of sipping an iced Americano that seems to make me whole again. Each and every morning. Even when it's chilly outside. On days where i feel less than perfect, I'll switch to a chai latte. Warm.
The need to reapply lip gloss every 5 to 10 minutes is something that might drive the average female crazy. Doing so actually helps me to keep from going crazy. I apply lipgloss non-stop. No matter where I am. After dinner. When i'm going to bed. While I'm talking to a friend. Not sure if it's a habit or obsession. Perchance an addiction? I can't handle the feeling of my lips getting dry. Not even for a second. To avoid this sensation, all of my bags and pockets are filled with different coloured tubes. I don't discriminate. I like organic, shiny lip, fruity, or plain glosses. Expensive or store brand doesn't much matter. I guess i like to keep my lips supple. No other real explanation. Sorry if it bugs you.
Obsessive planning also helps me keep sane. Or almost sane. Since my mind only seems to allow me 9-10 good months per year, I live in constant fear of not finishing things. I also fear the time when I'm not able to purchase stuff. While the tasks or the items may not be vital, i know my life would be incomplete without them.
When i'm well, I constantly worry about having all birthday, housewarming, and new baby gifts purchased and ready to go. Seriously, I buy gifts months ahead of time. I keep them wrapped and stored in gift drawers. Currently I have hundreds of dollars worth of perfectly packaged presents in my home. Candles, toys, art sets, and gift cards. Before my son was born, his room was the "gift room". People made fun of me, but i miss that room. This need to keep a house full of perfectly planned pressies comes from the fact that during certain months, I can't leave the house. Yes, I actually don't leave the house. But only usually for a month or two. Don't worry. Often this low period comes around the beginning of the school year. And seriously, nothing i would hate more than for my little ones to have to attend a birthday party sans present.
Since I now know that post summer can be a bit trying for me, I also plan my kids' schedules way in advance. It's July 20th and they're both already booked for swimming lessons. And skating. And skiing too. I'm sure the people who run these said programs must think i'm the most keen mom around. Guess this is why we shouldn't judge. I book these programs now, because if i don't, the worry about arranging them in the fall could bring me to the ground. That feeling of not knowing how to figure out what to plan a week is awful for me. Sometimes even just getting one activity booked is helpful as it give me a foundation.
As i get worse, the feeling gets more insufferable. Everything is a struggle, including figuring out how to feed the children. During the majority of the year, I live to cook. I love to create gorgeous and healthy meals for my friends and family. This all changes as my mood drops. When things are getting particularly sad, but not yet quite horrific, you may find me wandering the aisles of the most local grocery store. Try not to stare, as I'll be the unshowered girl wandering the produce aisle. My hair will be a mess and my weight might have fluctuated. I can bet that i'll be in some sort of coat and black leggings. I may appear to be lost, but please don't stop to chat. I won't be ready for that. The idea of speaking to you will make me cry. You don't want that, now do you? So carry on.
Those shiny aisles filled with my favourite organic apples, leaks and cauliflower suddenly start to mock me. At that moment, planning for dinner is something akin to climbing Mount McKinley. No training in the world can prepare me for those days.
Fortunately, i have friends who are well aware of my condition. They'll pick me up at home. Walk me through those mean aisles. One dear love will literally plan my dinners. She'll push my grocery cart and let me trail along like I'm her 4 year old daughter. She asks if I have milk. And eggs. And bread. She'll pick up the tortilla wraps. And the chicken. Calmly she'll explain to me again and again, how I should prepare my tacos later that evening. When I get home, I never can remember what she has said, but at least the fridge is full. For friends like her, I'm forever grateful.
Run. Spin. Breathe. Drink coffee & water. Apply lib gloss. Have a cookie too. Do what you must to keep the crazy at bay. Namaste. xo
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