Confessions of a closest bottle-feeder

 I admit it.  I had no interest in breast-feeding before my daughter was born.

 Sure I knew it was the “thing to do”, but it just didn’t seem like the “thing” for me.  Secretly I hoped my new baby wouldn’t figure it out.  I dreamed I wouldn’t have adequate milk supply.  I imagined all sorts of scenarios that would give me the easy out and make it OKAY not to nurse my new baby daughter.

Then on December 30^th, my little girl was born and suddenly my world had changed.  In an instant, I was determined that I would breast feed her exclusively and suddenly I had no interest in a bottle or formula.  For those first few days, we struggled and learned together and I had never been happier. I couldn’t believe that she was our creation and I was continually amazed that she depended on me for life.  I was in love.  While I thought I was doing a fine job with the feedings, her second doctor’s visit proved me wrong.  Our little girl was still losing weight and she was very dehydrated.  I was devasted.  My doctor all but threw a can of formula at me and said, “Get this kid on the bottle”!  I was crestfallen.  Tears ran from my eyes.  I was horrified.  I was annoyed.  How could this be?  Things were going so well.  I had spent hours with a private lactation consultant (at $150/hour!!) to help me perfect the feeding routine. 

A few more days of crying for both me and my baby (she was obviously STARVING!) and close to $1000 worth of consultation services later, I was forced to introduce the bottle.  At first I wouldn’t feed her.  I refused to be the one to give my baby this powder and water mixture.  It seemed so unhealthy.  It seemed so unnatural.  Most of all, it seemed so unfair.  Everyone else seemed to be breast-feeding.  Strangely they all appeared to be enjoying it?

So devastated and ashamed, I couldn’t and wouldn’t bottle-feed my daughter in public at the beginning.  I was so fearful that someone would judge me as an inferior mother because I was giving my daughter formula. If I did have to feed her in public, I’d prepare the bottle at home, so that one might think it was pumped breast milk.

It took me about 2 months and a lot of sad and lonely days to get over this insecurity.  I am proud to say that my daughter is nearly 9 years old and now she rarely eats a meal INSIDE of our house.  She snacks at Starbucks, she lunches anywhere from the local park to the Four Seasons’ Studio Café.  My daughter is healthy and thriving and thoroughly enjoyed her bottles of formula (as does her new 4 month old baby brother).  Countless people have enjoyed bonding with them while feeding bottles and this has given me a lot more time and flexibility.  While I support and applaud any mother who breast-feeds her baby, I now know that how you feed your baby is a personal decision.  My babies couldn’t be happier, and neither could I….