Not to be morose, but this week I'm learning what it feels like to die. What's it's going to be like when I'm no longer here. No longer around.I'm not actually sick. As a matter of fact, I'm feeling quite well.I haven't been given a terminal diagnosis or even a bad blood report. Truthfully I've been eating nicely and working out a lot.But this week, I'm packing up my home of more than ten years and preparing for a move out of this country. Leaving where I've lived for 14 years.It's a lot of work and I'm quite exhausted both mentally and physically. There's a ton to do. Cancel NY times subscription. Re-route our mail. Cancel gym memberships. Notify the doctors and the schools and the camps that we are moving this weekend. Drivers license reports. Medical exams. Donation bins. Lots of stuff people need to accomplish before they move or die.But the worst part is the stuff I have to sort, and I have so much stuff. Stuff I haven't touched in 10 years. From books to knitting needles, I'm packing up boxes with things I don't need. Things I'll never need. Items I didn't require in the first place...I did finally manage to finally donate all the clothes that currently don't fit me. That would include my size 6 citizen jeans and all of my Theory suits. Talk about depressing. Like cleaning out the closet of a dead (and skinny) aunt. Awful.Most recently I've been disposing of things I don't want the movers to see. Or touch. Ever.I've been wrapping up things that are precious to me. The memories. The moments. My life.And then there was last night. A last minute impromptu "drink the house". A small gathering of close friends to come and drink our liquor and eat our pantry's remains.
Dare I say it felt like a shiva?For my non Jewish friends, a family sits shiva after someone dies. It's a time to come together. To mourn. To celebrate. To eat yummy food. People cover the mirrors and sit on boxes. No one is comfortable as they discuss the departed. Everyone reminisces.
Last night at my home, we did just that. Old friends told stories. They ate tasty foods. We remembered what life was like when we moved here. There wasn't much music playing. Some were more upset than others. There were some tears. When everyone went home, I was left crying.
People joked that we should have told the new owners our friends came with the house. Our friends loved to party with us and we were alway keen to host.
But soon I'd be gone. No longer a fixture on my warm street. No longer the mom at the playground taking home gobs of kids. I wouldn't be a part of the book club I created. Someone else has taken over my business. My favorite coffee shop will still be busy without my iced coffee orders daily.
I imagine people will miss me. They alway miss the departed. Friends will talk kindly about me. Hopefully. Just this morning i received a text saying that i'm a magical magnate with a unique ability to bring people together and get stuff for free... People keep telling me that TO will miss me.
The memories will live on for a time, but people will move on. It's what people do. New friends will be made. New furniture will fill my bedrooms and my living room. Someone else's clothes will hang in my closet.
New laughter will enter my home. And it won't be mine
I also noted what a big effort people made to say their goodbyes. Babysitters were hired. Food was brought over. One family bought us a complete and exquisite middle eastern Dinner. One friend made chicken wings. They were a hit. Someone wrote me a poem that I'll frame right away. Nearly everyone close to me managed to show up even briefly to say farewell.
But in life, it's hard not remember those who didn't come through. Those who opted to dine with other friends instead of hanging with us. It's okay. After all, we initially cancelled the evening and then rescheduled. But still i'll love them for always, as they've been here for me many times before.
And so, without much work, I now know what it will feel like when I die. I know who loves me and I know exactly what they think of me. I'm not going to to lie, I'm a pretty lucky girl. The love is huge and real and and I can't wAit to see them all on the other side...(of the border)))
