So tomorrow's the big day. I've thought about this day before and I never dreamed it would feel like this. I remember thinking about it as a child. I clearly remember the day it happened to my mother. I know exactly where I was. I remember who was there. I know exactly what I did. Perhaps it's the photos, but i even recall exactly what i was wearing. If you're curious, it was turquoise.
I've made some preparations, yet still i don't feel ready. Where does the time go? And why does it go so quickly?
This past week i invited 30 close female friends over to celebrate the occasion. I hosted what i thought was a wonderful inmate dinner party. For days I shopped various specialty stores, looking for the perfect napkins and the right colour accents. I ordered a huge carrot cake decorated in the perfect shade of Tiffany blue. From another source, I had the sweetest personalized cookies created. Same shade of Tiffany blue. From the fish market to the flower stores, I searched the city. In the end, my party felt like me. Right down to the CUT COFFEE loot bags i handed out at the end.
Somehow that whole party and the generosity of my amazing friends, still didn't create what i had hoped for at this date. This milestone. Okay, so maybe turning 40 isn't actually a milestone, but it sure does feel like a big day.
Today, I'll spend some time returning a few of the lovely gifts i was given. I'll take time to reflect how lucky i am to have such terrific, bright and supportive friends in a city that is not my own. After that i'll go to my favourite spot to enjoy an iced americano. By 3pm, I'll be back with my babies. And our puppy.
Perhaps the problem is that puppy. Is that why i'm feeling so down?
Is it because i hack with a cough known only to chain smokers each time i'm near her. Is it that i must take antihistamines to make it through a day and sleeping pills to get through a night. I'm not allowed to exercise, because without my inhaler i'm unable to breathe. I've managed to located my lost fitbit and i'm enjoying knowing that at the very least i'm walking 10.000 steps at day.
Perhaps I'm sad because i thought that for the last 2 weeks i've eaten less. I've cut out snacking past 8pm. I've been drinking water. No sugar in my coffee. I hardly touched my carrot cake the other night. I was sure that when i stepped on that silly scale this morning, i'd be lighter. Just a little bit at least. I wasn't.
Should i actually allow this number to ruin my birthday? My year.
I guess not. I've had forty mostly wonderful years. I can call Riley and Teo, two of the sweetest children on the planet, mine. David mostly loves me (though i'm sure he'd prefer to adore less of me). I have degrees from some of the finest schools in the world. Very quietly, my little business is quite successful. Most of my family at home loves and adores me. My house is exactly as I wish it to be. Each room decorated to reflect my life and my loves. I'm surrounded by people who seem to want to be with me. Whether for a walk through walmart or costco or a drink at the chicest bar, I usually have a terrific pal by my side.
I will not let that silly number ruin or define me tomorrow. Tomorrow at 9:36am (just ask my mommy) I turn 40. I'm going to fixate on the positive. My parents love me. My sister loves me (just not right now). I might not fit into my size 6 jeans in the morning, but I think that's okay. I may not be as skinny as I'd like, but at least my face has no wrinkles.
I'm still going to indulge in birthday excess. I will absolutely enjoy my manicure. And pedicure. And facial. And massage. In the evening, I'll go to a restaurant i've been dying to try. And i'll be sure to eat dessert too.
I'll work on getting back to "perfect" on september 10th.
have a sweet day, xoox
